A/N: This is the continuation of the scene at the end of Chapter 26 of The Long Road Home. Warning… this is pretty naughty and probably way too much information. Proceed with caution. But honestly, I think if this really happened it would be even franker than what I wrote. Plus the Harry torture was too hard to resist. Ami beta-read this and says it's over the top. Thanks to Marian who had as much of a hand in this as me.
"Right," Sirius began. "So what you need are the finer points of technique."
Harry stood up. "Erm… I think I'm going to bed. I'll see you two in the morning."
"You'll stay right where you are until I say you can go," Sirius said. "Now, technique…"
"Hang on a moment," Remus broke in. "Shouldn't we ask something else first?"
"What?" asked Sirius.
Remus cocked an eyebrow. "How they're planning on avoiding any unwanted consequences tomorrow."
"He just said Arthur had a talk with him. Didn't he, Harry?"
Harry would have been happy to let Remus and Sirius keep going back and forth. He might even have had a chance to sneak into his room undetected, but there was no possibility of that now. "Er, yeah, he did."
"And he didn't tell you not to come within fifty feet of his daughter?" asked Remus.
"No, actually. He told me to protect myself, but he wasn't too sure how I'd do that. He sent me to talk to a Muggle chemist."
Sirius looked surprised. "He told you that? He actually told you to protect yourself?"
"Yeah, he did," Harry replied. "He understands how we feel, and he'd rather we be smart about it."
"So did you go to the chemist?" Remus asked.
Sirius leaned closer. "And?"
"I got what I need." He hoped they wouldn't want to know any more than that. The thought of that particular shopping trip was embarrassing enough. He didn't really want to have to tell his godfather about it. "Listen…"
"Do you know what to do with it?"
That was an even worse question than having to describe the shopping trip. "I don't need it anyway. She's taking a potion."
"It might be better to be safe than sorry," Remus commented. "You could still use what you've got."
"Yeah, go get them," Sirius added. "We can put reinforcing charms on them."
"She's taking a potion," Harry repeated through gritted teeth.
"We can put other charms on them," Sirius said, waggling his eyebrows.
"Yeah, like a vibrating charm," suggested Remus.
"A lubrication charm," said Sirius.
"A warming charm."
"An endurance charm."
"A gentle breeze charm!"
Gentle breeze? Harry didn't even want to ask. He thought about getting up and making another bid for escape, but it was as if his godfather had read his mind. He looked straight at Harry. "We've got plenty of bananas if you want to practise…"
Harry downed the rest of his tea. "It's late. I've got a big day tomorrow. I'd better get to bed."
"Stay right where you are, Harry," said Sirius. "We're just getting started."
"We haven't even given you any pointers yet," said Remus, as he tipped the bottle of Ogden's into Harry's tea cup.
"Let me see your hands," said Sirius suddenly.
"My hands?" Harry was finding this more and more irksome. "What do you need to see my hands for?"
"Just let me see them." Sirius unceremoniously picked up Harry's hands from the table and inspected them. "What time are you picking up Ginny tomorrow?"
"Um, about four…"
"All right then. Tomorrow bright and early, you're going into Diagon Alley to Madame Ongle's Salon de Coiffure. You need a manicure. You need to get rid of these calluses."
"What? No way…" He wasn't too sure what name Sirius had actually said, but he was fairly certain it sounded like a place Lavender Brown might work. He wouldn't want to be caught dead there. Besides, he had enough other details to take care of. He didn't have time for this on top of the rest. "Why do I need to get rid of my calluses?"
Sirius sighed. "You're going to need your hands, Harry, and women don't appreciate rough hands."
"Ginny's never complained before," Harry said petulantly.
"Yes, well, perhaps she hasn't," said Remus, "but I don't think she'll complain if your hands are smoother, either. Attention to detail is important."
"Yes, exactly," Sirius agreed. "It's all in the technique. You don't just want to satisfy yourself. You want to make sure she's happy, too. Otherwise, she might not let you near her again."
They were getting back into a subject matter that Harry would really rather not discuss. Although he knew the information was probably vital, he just couldn't face up listening to it at the moment. He moved to stand once more.
Sirius drew his wand. "Don't make me use a full body bind on you. You may not want to hear this, but trust me, you'll be glad to have this information tomorrow night. Now stay put, and we'll tell you what most boys have to work out on their own. Consider it our birthday present to your girlfriend."
Harry, seeing no other recourse, downed the contents of his tea cup. It was straight whiskey -- he'd forgotten to add tea to it. When he was finished spluttering and choking, he noticed that Remus had refilled his cup with more Ogden's.
"You might want to sip that one. If nothing else, you'd better drink more slowly. You don't want too forget any of this, do you?"
Yes, Harry said to himself, that sounds about right. A memory charm sounded like a good idea at the moment.
"Now," began Sirius. "How familiar are you with the female anatomy?"
Harry couldn't help himself. He drank his whiskey in one gulp again. It went down much more smoothly this time. "Please, Sirius, I know…"
"You may know the generalities, but if you want to learn what it takes to please a woman, you have to pay attention to details."
"Please a woman?" Harry's voice sounded strangely high all of a sudden. This was going to be worse than he'd thought.
Sirius ran a hand though his hair as if he were thinking the same thing as Harry. "I hate to get personal, Harry, but have you ever… pleased yourself?"
"Come on, Harry. I don't know of any boy who hasn't done it. There's nothing to be embarrassed about."
"I really don't want to discuss this. I'm going to bed."
Sirius picked up his wand again. "You're staying right where you are. All right. Let's put it this way…"
But Harry had had enough. He was getting up. Sirius raised his wand. "Do you really think a body bind is necessary?" Remus interjected. "I think a simple sticking charm will do."
"Fine," replied Sirius. "Colla!" Then Sirius reached out and pushed Harry back into his chair. He tried to get up again, but his hindquarters were now stuck to his seat. "Now, Harry, let's try this another way. Have you ever had any interesting dreams?"
Harry was getting rather put out now, and this question didn't help matter. "I can't believe you're asking me that!"
Harry crossed his arms over his chest and stared mutinously at his godfather.
"Let's just take that as a yes, Sirius," commented Remus.
"Honestly, Harry, it's perfectly normal," added Sirius.
"Fine, it's normal. It's just not normal to discuss it with your godfather and almost-uncle."
"All right, well what I'm getting at is the feeling you have just before you wake up…"
Harry sighed. "Yes, all right, I know what you're talking about."
"Good. Now we're getting somewhere. If you do things properly, you can get Ginny to feel that way too, but it takes some doing."
Harry felt himself going redder. "Erm… I thought that's what the… act was for."
"It's not quite that straightforward with girls. Especially not the first time. You do know that you're probably going to hurt her, don't you?"
It wasn't anything Harry particularly wanted to think about. "What? What do you mean, hurt her?"
"She's a virgin, isn't she?"
"Yeah, you know she is."
"So you're going to hurt her."
"I don't get it."
"Harry," Remus said gently, "girls have a membrane inside them, and when they have sexual relations for the first time, it breaks, and it can hurt."
"And it can bleed," added Sirius. "So you want to make sure she has as much pleasure as you can before the actual act, because it's not very likely she'll get much pleasure in it the first time."
Harry could feel himself go pale. He almost wished he didn't know this. It made the prospect of tomorrow night seem all the more daunting. "Can I have some more?" he asked weakly holding out his cup.
Remus refilled the cup while Sirius went on. "She'll also be more ready for you and less likely to have as much pain if the ground is properly prepared."
"Yeah, the foundation… The groundwork. You want to be sure she's prepared." Harry knew he looked as confused as he felt, for his godfather went on. "Just how close have you come to having sex, anyway?"
"It can't have been very close. Do we have to start at the beginning?" Harry could only stare. "Remus, I think we have to start from the beginning. Didn't you ever read that book I gave you last year?"
Harry really didn't want to admit what he had and hadn't read in Dr Zog's Practical Spells for Wizards. "I read a bit," he hedged.
"It got passed around the dormitory. I didn't really have it all that much so…"
"Have you kissed Ginny?" Remus' question cut off Harry's words.
"Hands on her chest?"
"Yes." Harry was mumbling replies now.
"Over or under her clothes?" broke in Sirius.
"Under her bra?"
Sirius looked a bit prouder of his godson then.
"Anything below the waist?" Remus asked.
Harry hid his face in his hands. "No," he whispered.
"Excuse me," said Sirius. "I didn't hear that."
"I said 'no'," Harry replied.
"You're joking. How long have the two of you been together?"
"You know very well how long we've been together," Harry shot back. "It's not as if we had tons of free time between school and Ginny being captured, and the last battle. And you try getting some time alone with your girlfriend with her mother hovering over you all the time. When did we have time? Even her bloody brother mucked things up for us after the ball this year. So you try having a girlfriend and see how far you get."
Sirius smirked. "Further than you."
"Oh, as if you found time at school."
Sirius' smile broadened. "I made time."
"Do the words Marauder's Map mean anything to you?"
"Do the words six older brothers mean anything to you?"
"I was careful about things like that."
"I've heard enough. Can you take off this spell please?"
"Only if you promise to stay put and listen."
"I'll try, as long as you're through making fun of me."
"All right. You need to hear this."
"What if I don't want to?"
"Believe me, Ginny will be glad you did." Sirius pointed his wand at Harry and muttered, "Finite incantatem."
"Ginny and I can work it out for ourselves… Oh God. All right, tell me what to do. Let's get it over with."
"That's better," said Sirius. "The first thing you have to remember is to pay attention to her. Listen to her reactions to things. If she likes something, she'll have ways of letting you know."
"Listen to her breathing," said Remus. "Does it speed up? Does she start to pant? Does she moan?"
"Does she press closer to you?" added Sirius. "Does she cling to you? Go limp? Does she ask for more? Does she hold you in place and not let you go?"
"And if she stops moving or doing those things, it means you've moved from the right spot and you'll have to find your way back again."
"You can't be afraid to try things, either. We can give you an idea where to touch, but no two women are the same."
Harry sat there hoping he looked as if he was listening politely, but inwardly he was hoping they'd just get on with it.
"It's going to involve touching below the waist," advised Remus.
Harry swallowed hard. His discomfort had to be evident.
"Has she ever touched you below the waist?" asked Sirius.
"NO!" Harry shouted.
"Didn't you want her to?"
"Well… yes. So did she, but, well… I stopped her," he finally admitted. Both Sirius and Remus gaped at him in shock. "Listen, you had to be there, all right?"
"Trust us, Harry," Remus put in. "She wants you to touch her there, too."
Harry didn't trust himself to say anything at this point. He was afraid all that would come out was a high-pitched squeak. He took a sip from his cup, still unable to believe he was actually having this conversation.
"Now," said Sirius, "once you've got that far… And you shouldn't just jump ahead by the way. A little snogging and some other things to start off with is definitely preferred. But once you've got to this point, the first thing that will tell you you're doing things right is… Well, things will be damp. And if they're not, you've got your work cut out for you."
Sirius paused, clearly expecting a reply. "So… so damp is good?"
"Very much so. It's more comfortable. Yes, the damper the better."
"More comfortable for who?" Harry couldn't resist asking.
"For both of you. Just trust me on that."
"So… Snogging, touch, below the waist, damp. Got it. Can I go now?"
"No!" said Remus. "Oh no, we're not finished yet."
"There's more?" asked Harry.
"Lots more. Once you've got that far, you'll want to do some exploring and some experimenting."
Harry resisted the temptation to loosen his collar. He sipped at his whiskey instead.
"There's a certain spot you want to touch," Sirius went on. "And you'll know when you've found it."
Harry shifted uncomfortably. "How?"
"Well, it's… raised."
"She'll let you know," Remus added.
"She will," agreed Sirius. "And then some girls like you to try putting a finger or two…"
"I can't do that!"
"Why not, Harry? If you're planning on putting…"
"I just can't, all right? She won't want me to."
Remus looked over at Sirius and the two exchanged a conspiratorial glance. "I guess we'd better not tell him about oral satis-"
"Oral?" Harry cried in complete panic. "You mean… No, you can't… Can you?"
"What you can touch, you can lick, Harry," Sirius said candidly. "Most girls love it. Demand it, even."
Harry had no idea what to say. He remembered seeing certain illustrations of what Sirius was talking about in Dr Zog, but he'd always assumed it was some sort of fetish. But here, his own godfather was talking about it as if most people did it. Enjoyed it even. He couldn't do that though. Ginny was going to be disappointed in him. "I… I don't know if I can do that," he admitted.
"Harry," Remus said gently, "you don't have to do anything you're not ready for. But you do want to make sure she has some pleasure before you pleasure yourself."
"But… I don't know what to do, and she's going to be disappointed." He drained his cup, and held it out for a refill.
"Harry," said Sirius, "if she doesn't like something, you stop and try something else."
"But I don't know what to do. Just put my hand there, and…"
"We're trying to tell you what to do. The next step is to create some friction, and you'll know if she likes it."
"All right, fine. Below the waist, hand, damp, friction."
"And if you don't want to try using your tongue below the waist you can see if she likes it in other places."
Harry felt his face heat, as he remembered the night before she left for school.
"I think you've hit on something, Sirius. He's had a bit more experience than he's let on."
"Yeah, Harry, quit holding out on us. How far have the two of you really gone?"
"I've already told you!"
"So you've never tasted another part of her? Nothing on top? She liked it, didn't she?"
"I suppose. That's about when Fred and George walked in on us."
"So you know what she does when she likes something," Sirius said once he got his laughter under control.
"She, er, made this noise."
"What kind of noise?"
"Er, well, it sort of sounded like this." The fact that he even considered trying to imitate it was a testament to the amount of whiskey he'd already consumed. He concentrated for a moment, and tried to let out a breathy sort of moan in a higher pitch than usual.
Both Sirius and Remus burst out laughing hysterically. "All right," Harry grumbled, "that's it. You're making fun of me again. I'm off."
Sirius sobered up in an instant. "Sit! We're not finished yet."
"What else is there? I've got below the waist, hand, damp, friction, noise."
"Yes, but there are different noises. Some tell you she's enjoying herself, and then others tell you she's really enjoying herself."
"How do I know that?"
"Well, they sort of build up. And the breathing gets faster. She might even hold you in a death grip. Oh, and more dampness… And don't worry about hurting her if she screams…"
"Some girls scream when they, er, reach the peak. So if she does, you ought to take that as a good sign."
"Yeah that's it, although it'll probably sound more like Oh GOD!" Sirius' voice had taken on a very high, keening pitch on the last two words.
Harry felt rather alarmed. "Okay, so she might scream," he said, taking another drink from his cup.
"Yeah, is that a problem?"
"What if… Well, what if someone overhears it?"
"Well, yes it could happen, although most people would know what caused a scream like that. Where are you going to be? Surely not anywhere in hearing range of Ginny's family…"
"Oh, we're going… Wait a minute. I'm not quite that stupid. As if I'd tell you where we're going."
"What, we wouldn't do anything."
"Oh no, of course you wouldn't."
"You could always come here," Remus commented.
"Yeah, we'd give you space," Sirius added.
Harry rolled his eyes at the pair of them. "Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful idea. I can just see it now. The two of you standing at the door shouting advice. Think I'll pass, thanks."
"Well, you do have a point here," Remus said. "You don't want her to be uncomfortable. She won't be in the mood."
"Yes, Harry," said Sirius, "that's very important. She has to be relaxed."
"You mean there's more?" Harry asked, feeling discouraged.
"If she's not in the mood, there's not a whole lot you can do."
"So how do I go about getting her relaxed?"
"Harry, are you relaxed right now?" asked Remus.
Harry thought about it. Considering the embarrassing nature of the conversation, he was fairly relaxed. "Yeah, I suppose so."
"Get her drunk," stated Sirius flatly.
"What Sirius meant to say, Harry, is give her a drink or two to relax her."
"Yeah, that's what I meant. The more relaxed she is, the more receptive she'll be."
"So then I need to do that first," said Harry. "Drink, below the waist, hand, damp, friction, noise, scream. I've got it. Can I go to bed now. Please?"
Sirius put up a hand to stop him. "Now wait a minute, Harry. We're not quite finished yet. I think you need to hear about positions."
Harry, who was in the process of finishing his whiskey, choked. Remus pounded him on the back, and when he'd stopped spluttering, he croaked, "Positions?"
"You see there's more than one way to go about it. First there's the classic missionary position. That's how most people start out…"
Remus cut Sirius off. "Although it might be worth starting out with her on top. She has more control that way…"
Harry stuffed his fingers in his ears. "I'm not listening to this."
Sirius pulled one of Harry's hands away from his ear. "Don't you want to hear about my personal favourite? Doggie style?"
But Harry had heard more than enough. He bolted up out of his seat, knocking the chair over in his haste to escape. He went into his room and shut the door with as much force as he could manage. The room seemed to be spinning, and he had to lie down on the bed. In the kitchen he could still hear Sirius and Remus laughing, but he didn't hear them for long. In no time at all he'd dropped off to sleep.